The Global Warming Redemption

A story about global warming in 1 act.

Fat Ass: I don’t belong here! I want to go home! I want my mother!
Another Prisoner: I had your mother, she wasn’t that great!
Fat Ass: You don’t understand, I’m not supposed to be here! I didn’t do it! Global warming isn’t my fault!
Captain Hadley: I’m not gonna to count to three. I’m not even gonna count to one. You will shut the FUCK up or I’ll sing you a lullaby about how you caused global warming!
Fat Ass: (blubbers some more and gets the shit beat out of him by the Captain for both blubbering and causing global warming)
Heywood: Hey, Fat Ass. Fat Ass! Talk to me boy! I know you’re there I can hear you breathin’. Don’t you listen to these nitwits you hear me? This place ain’t so bad. Tell you what, I’ll introduce you around, make you feel right at home. I know a couple of big old bull queers that’d just love to make you’re acquaintance. Especially that big, white, mushy butt of yours. Doin’ all that fartin, causin’ global warming. I bet you drive more than the rest of us too. Fucking caused global warming, ya Fat Ass.
Fat Ass: God! I don’t belong here! I want to go home! Global warming isn’t my fault!
Inmates: We have a winner!
Heywood: And it’s Fat Ass by a nose!

Hat Tip: The Fat Guy (touché)

Update: Just in case it’s not clear (which apparently it’s not), this is a parody based on a scene from Shawshank Redemption of what might happen (can you parody a hypothetical? Beats me) if we really believe the stupid study linked above that obese people are a cause of global warming. If people want to be (or can’t help being) obese, that is their own choice (usually) and we don’t need to be make things worse by telling them global warming is their fault which it isn’t, if it’s even happening at all, which it might not be. Clear as mud? Great.