An Experiment in Scotch

A story about global warm­ing in 1 act.

Fat Ass: I don’t belong here! I want to go home! I want my mother!
Another Pris­oner: I had your mother, she wasn’t that great!
Fat Ass: You don’t under­stand, I’m not sup­posed to be here! I didn’t do it! Global warm­ing isn’t my fault!
Cap­tain Hadley: I’m not gonna to count to three. I’m not even gonna count to one. You will shut the FUCK up or I’ll sing you a lul­laby about how you caused global warm­ing!
Fat Ass: (blub­bers some more and gets the shit beat out of him by the Cap­tain for both blub­ber­ing and caus­ing global warm­ing)
Hey­wood: Hey, Fat Ass. Fat Ass! Talk to me boy! I know you’re there I can hear you breathin’. Don’t you lis­ten to these nitwits you hear me? This place ain’t so bad. Tell you what, I’ll intro­duce you around, make you feel right at home. I know a cou­ple of big old bull queers that’d just love to make you’re acquain­tance. Espe­cially that big, white, mushy butt of yours. Doin’ all that fartin, causin’ global warm­ing. I bet you drive more than the rest of us too. Fuck­ing caused global warm­ing, ya Fat Ass.
Fat Ass: God! I don’t belong here! I want to go home! Global warm­ing isn’t my fault!
Inmates: We have a win­ner!
Hey­wood: And it’s Fat Ass by a nose!

Hat Tip: The Fat Guy (touché)

Update: Just in case it’s not clear (which appar­ently it’s not), this is a par­ody based on a scene from Shaw­shank Redemp­tion of what might hap­pen (can you par­ody a hypo­thet­i­cal? Beats me) if we really believe the stu­pid study linked above that obese peo­ple are a cause of global warm­ing. If peo­ple want to be (or can’t help being) obese, that is their own choice (usu­ally) and we don’t need to be make things worse by telling them global warm­ing is their fault which it isn’t, if it’s even hap­pen­ing at all, which it might not be. Clear as mud? Great.