And I’m not going to take it anymore. With Fred dropping out, Kat asked me who I was going to vote for. I really didn’t have an answer. None of the existing candidates really make my loins quiver. So I was at a loss. But then something happened today that made it clear to me that I had to become more involved. A new candidate declared today and frankly, I’m just not going to fucking stand for this anymore. It’s time to take back our country and elect a real President, one who isn’t some ass-smelling, nether-region-licking bitch. It’s just too important a job.
So, being the creative one I am, I immediately began casting about my memory for who I could get nominated. I’d run myself but I just barely turned 35 and I’m looking for someone with a tad more experience. Then it hit me, who better to run against an ass-smelling, nether-region-licking bitch than the toughest cat on the block? I talked to her when I got home from work tonight and she’s agreed to run. I give you the next President of the United States, Miracle. She’s so independent, she refuses to take my last name. Take that, Mike Bloomberg.
It’s perfect, she’s like 132 years old so she has a ton of experience. But before you brush off her candidacy due to her possible imminent trip to kitty heaven, you should know she has a hyper active thyroid that she sometimes refuses to take medicine for so she’s one energetic feline. Without further ado, I present to you the platform for Miracle’s run to greatness.
While some current candidates claim to be tough on terrorism by saying they’ll just kill them all, Miracle has a slightly different tack to this seemingly intractable problem. First, lure them into a trap by pretending to be scared of their incessant barking. Second, turn around suddenly and bloody the hell out of their nose by applying a well-timed attack with a single paw to the graceless pooch who never can seem to remember that the floors are bamboo and stopping on them is impossible. Once the idiot dogs (terrorists) have realized the terrifying situation they are in, they will begin to run like the whipped little house dogs they are. This is when you use your superiour (in the British sense) speed and leap onto their back, clawing at the tender parts of their ears. Once the idiot dogs (towel headed terrorists) realizes the frenzied banshee on their backs will never give up, they’ll run back to their cage (cave) and wait to die. The final step to defeating idiot dogs is to wait in inconspicuous places like behind doors or on top of bookshelves. When the unsuspecting pooch (terrorist) comes by, give him both barrels by jumping onto his back for absolutely no reason at all. There is no reason in the fight against terrorism to wait until they do something to us. Take the fight to the idiot dogs and the war will be half-won.
Look, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the occasional use of catnip at the end of a long and exhausting day. The feds have no right to police whether or not fine, upstanding cats grow catnip in the backyard or under a 400 watt grow lamp in their attic. Catnip is not a gateway drug. As your President, Miracle will do everything in her power to tell Congress to shut the fuck up and legalize catnip.
Did you see that picture up there? Miracle is half black and half white. This makes her perfect to solve the racial injustices that continue to afflict our country. She promises to tell Al Sharpton that his membership in the “I’m Self-Righteous Because I’m Black” club has been revoked due to stupidity. She’ll work with Bill Cosby and Lewis Black (he’s perfect because he’s a white guy named Black) to make people get along or shut the fuck up.
As President, Miracle will enact these simple rules that will fix our problems:
- Cover Ben Bernanke with milk and Fancy Feast and throw him in the feline house at the pound. This will keep him occupied for the next 15 years and maybe he won’t have time to fuck with the interest rates.
- Every day when the traders walk through the doors of the markets, they have to recite the following words: I am not entitled to have the market go up every day. This goes for anyone with a online stock trading account when they log in.
- People who can’t afford a house don’t get one
- Mortgage people who give loans for houses to people who can’t pay for them get the Bernanke treatment.
- People over the age of 35 who have a negative net worth get all their credit cards cut up and fed to them. They don’t get new ones until they have a savings account with enough in it to cover 6 months of their expenses. If they manage that, they can have a single credit card with a credit limit of $1000. If it’s ever used for something frivolous like dining out or shoes, the card will have the ability to tase them. No questions asked.
- Congress will be forced to pay back all the earmarks from the past 10 years. Unless it’s Ted Stevens or Robert Byrd. They have to pay ALL their earmarks back. Tom Coburn is exempt.
In her infinite wisdom, Miracle defers to the one very good point of the Sunny Lucas platform. No amount of consideration can make up for the genius of that point.
On second thought, Miracle completely agrees with that point too on Sunny’s platform.
The more she thinks about it, Miracle is beginning to think that Sunny would make a great president. But Sunny needs a running mate. VPs are notorious for being sneaky, underhanded hatchet men (or cats) who are unafraid to shoot really good friends in the face if the situation warrants. Miracle is perfect because like most cats, she couldn’t care less about people and will happily pee on their bed of the situation warrants it. Sunny, if you get the nomination, Miracle would be honored to do all the dirty work for you like killing terrorists and legalizing drugs while you kiss babies (or sniff asses, whatever works for you). What do you think?