An Experiment in Scotch

"I write to discover what I believe." Michael Lopp on Twitter

Politics Goes To The Dogs

And I’m not going to take it any­more. With Fred drop­ping out, Kat asked me who I was going to vote for. I really didn’t have an answer. None of the exist­ing can­di­dates really make my loins quiver. So I was at a loss. But then some­thing hap­pened today that made it clear to me that I had to become more involved. A new can­di­date declared today and frankly, I’m just not going to fuck­ing stand for this any­more. It’s time to take back our coun­try and elect a real Pres­i­dent, one who isn’t some ass-smelling, nether-region-licking bitch. It’s just too impor­tant a job.

So, being the cre­ative one I am, I imme­di­ately began cast­ing about my mem­ory for who I could get nom­i­nated. I’d run myself but I just barely turned 35 and I’m look­ing for some­one with a tad more expe­ri­ence. Then it hit me, who bet­ter to run against an ass-smelling, nether-region-licking bitch than the tough­est cat on the block? I talked to her when I got home from work tonight and she’s agreed to run. I give you the next Pres­i­dent of the United States, Mir­a­cle. She’s so inde­pen­dent, she refuses to take my last name. Take that, Mike Bloomberg.

It’s per­fect, she’s like 132 years old so she has a ton of expe­ri­ence. But before you brush off her can­di­dacy due to her pos­si­ble immi­nent trip to kitty heaven, you should know she has a hyper active thy­roid that she some­times refuses to take med­i­cine for so she’s one ener­getic feline. With­out fur­ther ado, I present to you the plat­form for Miracle’s run to greatness.

While some cur­rent can­di­dates claim to be tough on ter­ror­ism by say­ing they’ll just kill them all, Mir­a­cle has a slightly dif­fer­ent tack to this seem­ingly intractable prob­lem. First, lure them into a trap by pre­tend­ing to be scared of their inces­sant bark­ing. Sec­ond, turn around sud­denly and bloody the hell out of their nose by apply­ing a well-timed attack with a sin­gle paw to the grace­less pooch who never can seem to remem­ber that the floors are bam­boo and stop­ping on them is impos­si­ble. Once the idiot dogs (ter­ror­ists) have real­ized the ter­ri­fy­ing sit­u­a­tion they are in, they will begin to run like the whipped lit­tle house dogs they are. This is when you use your supe­riour (in the British sense) speed and leap onto their back, claw­ing at the ten­der parts of their ears. Once the idiot dogs (towel headed ter­ror­ists) real­izes the fren­zied ban­shee on their backs will never give up, they’ll run back to their cage (cave) and wait to die. The final step to defeat­ing idiot dogs is to wait in incon­spic­u­ous places like behind doors or on top of book­shelves. When the unsus­pect­ing pooch (ter­ror­ist) comes by, give him both bar­rels by jump­ing onto his back for absolutely no rea­son at all. There is no rea­son in the fight against ter­ror­ism to wait until they do some­thing to us. Take the fight to the idiot dogs and the war will be half-won.

Look, there is absolutely noth­ing wrong with the occa­sional use of cat­nip at the end of a long and exhaust­ing day. The feds have no right to police whether or not fine, upstand­ing cats grow cat­nip in the back­yard or under a 400 watt grow lamp in their attic. Cat­nip is not a gate­way drug. As your Pres­i­dent, Mir­a­cle will do every­thing in her power to tell Con­gress to shut the fuck up and legal­ize catnip.

Did you see that pic­ture up there? Mir­a­cle is half black and half white. This makes her per­fect to solve the racial injus­tices that con­tinue to afflict our coun­try. She promises to tell Al Sharp­ton that his mem­ber­ship in the “I’m Self-Righteous Because I’m Black” club has been revoked due to stu­pid­ity. She’ll work with Bill Cosby and Lewis Black (he’s per­fect because he’s a white guy named Black) to make peo­ple get along or shut the fuck up.

The Econ­omy
As Pres­i­dent, Mir­a­cle will enact these sim­ple rules that will fix our prob­lems:

  • Cover Ben Bernanke with milk and Fancy Feast and throw him in the feline house at the pound. This will keep him occu­pied for the next 15 years and maybe he won’t have time to fuck with the inter­est rates.
  • Every day when the traders walk through the doors of the mar­kets, they have to recite the fol­low­ing words: I am not enti­tled to have the mar­ket go up every day. This goes for any­one with a online stock trad­ing account when they log in.
  • Peo­ple who can’t afford a house don’t get one
  • Mort­gage peo­ple who give loans for houses to peo­ple who can’t pay for them get the Bernanke treatment.
  • Peo­ple over the age of 35 who have a neg­a­tive net worth get all their credit cards cut up and fed to them. They don’t get new ones until they have a sav­ings account with enough in it to cover 6 months of their expenses. If they man­age that, they can have a sin­gle credit card with a credit limit of $1000. If it’s ever used for some­thing friv­o­lous like din­ing out or shoes, the card will have the abil­ity to tase them. No ques­tions asked.
  • Con­gress will be forced to pay back all the ear­marks from the past 10 years. Unless it’s Ted Stevens or Robert Byrd. They have to pay ALL their ear­marks back. Tom Coburn is exempt.

Gay Mar­riage
In her infi­nite wis­dom, Mir­a­cle defers to the one very good point of the Sunny Lucas plat­form. No amount of con­sid­er­a­tion can make up for the genius of that point.

Ille­gal Immigration
On sec­ond thought, Mir­a­cle com­pletely agrees with that point too on Sunny’s platform.

The more she thinks about it, Mir­a­cle is begin­ning to think that Sunny would make a great pres­i­dent. But Sunny needs a run­ning mate. VPs are noto­ri­ous for being sneaky, under­handed hatchet men (or cats) who are unafraid to shoot really good friends in the face if the sit­u­a­tion war­rants. Mir­a­cle is per­fect because like most cats, she couldn’t care less about peo­ple and will hap­pily pee on their bed of the sit­u­a­tion war­rants it. Sunny, if you get the nom­i­na­tion, Mir­a­cle would be hon­ored to do all the dirty work for you like killing ter­ror­ists and legal­iz­ing drugs while you kiss babies (or sniff asses, what­ever works for you). What do you think?


  1. I think Miracle’s largely lib­er­tar­ian and although I dis­agree with her on a few points, I pledge my vote to her can­di­dacy sim­ply because of her bril­liant plan to deal with dumb­shits with credit cards.

  2. Scotch Drinker

    January 29, 2008 at 8:47 pm

    As much as it pains me to say it, Mir­a­cle really doesn’t care about get­ting anyone’s votes. In that regard, she reminds me a lot of that wimp Fred Thomp­son who bowed out of the race before Super Tuesday.

    But I, as her cam­paign man­ager, truly appre­ci­ate your support.

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