An Experiment In Scotch

I write to discover what I believe

Month: January 2008

Politics Goes To The Dogs

And I’m not going to take it anymore. With Fred dropping out, Kat asked me who I was going to vote for. I really didn’t have an answer. None of the existing candidates really make my loins quiver. So I was at a loss. But then something happened today that made it clear to me that I had to become more involved. A new candidate declared today and frankly, I’m just not going to fucking stand for this anymore. It’s time to take back our country and elect a real President, one who isn’t some ass-smelling, nether-region-licking bitch. It’s just too important a job.

So, being the creative one I am, I immediately began casting about my memory for who I could get nominated. I’d run myself but I just barely turned 35 and I’m looking for someone with a tad more experience. Then it hit me, who better to run against an ass-smelling, nether-region-licking bitch than the toughest cat on the block? I talked to her when I got home from work tonight and she’s agreed to run. I give you the next President of the United States, Miracle. She’s so independent, she refuses to take my last name. Take that, Mike Bloomberg.
miracle_grill2.jpg

It’s perfect, she’s like 132 years old so she has a ton of experience. But before you brush off her candidacy due to her possible imminent trip to kitty heaven, you should know she has a hyper active thyroid that she sometimes refuses to take medicine for so she’s one energetic feline. Without further ado, I present to you the platform for Miracle’s run to greatness.

Terrorism
While some current candidates claim to be tough on terrorism by saying they’ll just kill them all, Miracle has a slightly different tack to this seemingly intractable problem. First, lure them into a trap by pretending to be scared of their incessant barking. Second, turn around suddenly and bloody the hell out of their nose by applying a well-timed attack with a single paw to the graceless pooch who never can seem to remember that the floors are bamboo and stopping on them is impossible. Once the idiot dogs (terrorists) have realized the terrifying situation they are in, they will begin to run like the whipped little house dogs they are. This is when you use your superiour (in the British sense) speed and leap onto their back, clawing at the tender parts of their ears. Once the idiot dogs (towel headed terrorists) realizes the frenzied banshee on their backs will never give up, they’ll run back to their cage (cave) and wait to die. The final step to defeating idiot dogs is to wait in inconspicuous places like behind doors or on top of bookshelves. When the unsuspecting pooch (terrorist) comes by, give him both barrels by jumping onto his back for absolutely no reason at all. There is no reason in the fight against terrorism to wait until they do something to us. Take the fight to the idiot dogs and the war will be half-won.

Drugs
Look, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the occasional use of catnip at the end of a long and exhausting day. The feds have no right to police whether or not fine, upstanding cats grow catnip in the backyard or under a 400 watt grow lamp in their attic. Catnip is not a gateway drug. As your President, Miracle will do everything in her power to tell Congress to shut the fuck up and legalize catnip.

Race
Did you see that picture up there? Miracle is half black and half white. This makes her perfect to solve the racial injustices that continue to afflict our country. She promises to tell Al Sharpton that his membership in the “I’m Self-Righteous Because I’m Black” club has been revoked due to stupidity. She’ll work with Bill Cosby and Lewis Black (he’s perfect because he’s a white guy named Black) to make people get along or shut the fuck up.

The Economy
As President, Miracle will enact these simple rules that will fix our problems:

  • Cover Ben Bernanke with milk and Fancy Feast and throw him in the feline house at the pound. This will keep him occupied for the next 15 years and maybe he won’t have time to fuck with the interest rates.
  • Every day when the traders walk through the doors of the markets, they have to recite the following words: I am not entitled to have the market go up every day. This goes for anyone with a online stock trading account when they log in.
  • People who can’t afford a house don’t get one
  • Mortgage people who give loans for houses to people who can’t pay for them get the Bernanke treatment.
  • People over the age of 35 who have a negative net worth get all their credit cards cut up and fed to them. They don’t get new ones until they have a savings account with enough in it to cover 6 months of their expenses. If they manage that, they can have a single credit card with a credit limit of $1000. If it’s ever used for something frivolous like dining out or shoes, the card will have the ability to tase them. No questions asked.
  • Congress will be forced to pay back all the earmarks from the past 10 years. Unless it’s Ted Stevens or Robert Byrd. They have to pay ALL their earmarks back. Tom Coburn is exempt.

Gay Marriage
In her infinite wisdom, Miracle defers to the one very good point of the Sunny Lucas platform. No amount of consideration can make up for the genius of that point.

Illegal Immigration
On second thought, Miracle completely agrees with that point too on Sunny’s platform.

The more she thinks about it, Miracle is beginning to think that Sunny would make a great president. But Sunny needs a running mate. VPs are notorious for being sneaky, underhanded hatchet men (or cats) who are unafraid to shoot really good friends in the face if the situation warrants. Miracle is perfect because like most cats, she couldn’t care less about people and will happily pee on their bed of the situation warrants it. Sunny, if you get the nomination, Miracle would be honored to do all the dirty work for you like killing terrorists and legalizing drugs while you kiss babies (or sniff asses, whatever works for you). What do you think?

Depression

Fred Thompson dropped out this past weekend and I feel exactly like Liberty Belle. Well, except for the whole thing about being in love with Fred Thompson. But except for that, I feel exactly like she does.

RIP, Georgia Frontiere

For my non-football following readers (which is, umm, all of them probably), Georgia Frontiere was the owner of the St. Louis Rams, previously the Los Angeles Rams. In a world driven by testosterone, Georgia didn’t exactly fit but she ran a good franchise and truly cared for her players and employees, something that’s typically lacking today. Len Pasquarelli has a good obit on ESPN today.

New Toys

I’m writing this post from my new Dell Inspiron 1720 that I got for my new gig with Improving. It’s a pretty sweet machine, not exactly a Macbook Pro but it’s still pretty cool. I didn’t get all the bells and whistles but it’s pretty close. It’s got 17 inch screen which isn’t something I’ve had on a laptop and it kicks ass. I’m going to probably get a docking station for it so that I can plug an ergonomic keyboard into it.

I’m not sure if I’m going to bother installing much on it currently because I may upgrade to either XP (really, it’s an upgrade) or Vista Ultra Premium (seriously, Microsoft, why the fuck are there 15 versions of Vista) just to try it. I don’t want to go to the trouble of putting a ton of software on here only to blow it away in a week or something. But if I don’t install anything, the machine is just a fancy toy for surfing the Interweb.

I seriously toyed with getting a Macbook Pro (several of the guys at work are doing .Net development on Macs which is what tempted me) but in the end, I couldn’t justify the $1600 difference in price tags. I’ll probably regret that in a couple of months but oh well. Overall, right now, I have a new toy and I’m dying to play with.

Thompson Actually Has An Energy Plan

. . .beyond begging the Saudis to increase production. He also has a tax plan and an immigration plan and a Social Security plan. And the funny thing is, they really are plans, they are detailed and pointed and could actually help the problems. Instead, we as a nation seem intent on electing people who are soundbite machines with little substance and no depth.

I wonder what living in Belize would be like. It’s starting to get more and more appealing all the time.

Signs of the Apocalypse

At my previous job, one of my co-workers was kind of a conspiracy theorist ala Dale from King of the Hill. He was sure the black helicopters would be sweeping in over the horizon any day and he was always ready to repel them for as long as he could. Now, I’m all about self-sufficiency and being prepared for all kinds of scenarios that will probably never happen (just ask my wife…on second thought, nix that). But I always just assumed that guy was crazy.

Then I read stories like this where the S.W.A.T. team was sent in to take an 11-year old child away from a family for court ordered medical treatment that ended up being completely unnecessary. Really? A S.W.A.T. team? What the fuck is the matter with our country? This is the logical conclusion to the ongoing militarization of our police forces. If you give people in power more power, chances are they will find a reason to use it. This is a disgusting overreach of power and people ought to lose their jobs over it.

We live in a country that was supposedly founded on life, LIBERTY and the pursuit of happiness along with a few other useful concepts (check out the First, Second and Fourth Amendments, specifically) and having S.W.A.T. bust into a home to take out an 11-year old child goes against all of that. The ongoing nannification of our society as well as the militarization of our police will eventually be the downfall of said society. That once seemed like so much hyperbole but the more I read about grossly inappropriate use of S.W.A.T, the more I wonder. Between wrong house raids and idiotic uses of S.W.A.T, you have to wonder what the state of individual rights is coming to in this country.

Random Update

I haven’t felt much like doing anything lately, much less writing so it’s been quiet around the Experiment. However, I think things are turning around as the days are getting longer, I’m starting to exercise again and I start a new job today. So go me. I’m coming up with my New Year’s Resolutions + 15 days and I’ll probably write about those soon. Do you have any resolutions? Is it a regular thing? Does it ever work?

I’m pretty nervous and anxious about the new job but it should be a good one so once I work through the first week or so, those feelings should start to subside.

We had a good Christmas and I’ll write about that later as well.